Reviewing music is such a subjective business; few and far-between are the opportunities to cover a disc so horrendous that you can trash it and know that there can be no dissent, that you speak objective truth. So when my colleague at CTFrance.com, Christophe Huss, called me up and said, "You have to hear Angela East's Bach Cello Suites; they are the worst ever," I was naturally excited. I respect Christophe tremendously, but even so, well, you know how hysterical those French critics can be. Still, the cover looked promising: there is Ms. East, (blurrily) sitting barefoot on a rock in a billowing red dress, about to be swamped by a giant wave. Would the performances themselves, purportedly "authentic" in approach, match the cheesy quality of the graphics?

I put on the disc, and Voila! Indeed this is the worst-ever recording of these works, playing so tonally hideous, musicianship so lacking in taste, in basic musicality, that it surely deserves to become the Bach party record of choice for years to come. But, make no mistake, it's terribly historically informed. Only years of academic study could produce a result this senseless. I know, I know--you think I exaggerate. Just spend a few moments listening to the concluding Gigue of Suite No. 3: every phrase is played with different (and unrelated) dynamics, articulation, tempo--it's a musical vivisection. Or listen to East grind her way through the Sarabande of the D minor suite. Is there a tune in there somewhere? Nah! Bad cello playing, it's often said, sounds like a dying cow, but East puts a new spin on that image: she sounds like a dying mad cow. It's that grotesque.

Happily, the sonics are fully worthy of the performances: atrociously close and airless, capturing every gasp, sniffle, snort, and a whole panoply of performance noises, from the clicking of fingers pressing on the strings to the thump of the bow in double stops. But there's more! As a special bonus we get PICTURES, because East relates the keys of the suites to specific colors. Black (C minor) is particularly charming: it features East sitting in an enormous spider web in a black pantsuit and purple scarf. Any giant spiders out there care for a quick snack? [11/24/2009]

--David Hurwitz